Friday, 6 November 2009


Being a lone mommy can be hard sometimes. Chloe had a hospital appointment today to get her hips x-rayed. I have dislocated hips and when Chloe was 6 weeks old an ultrasound showed a slight 'immaturity' in her left hip. Luckily it seems to be very slight now and I'm hoping she won't need any treatment, but we have to see what the consultant says.

The appointment was at Antrim Area Hospital, where I gave birth. And the last time I was there was giving birth to Chloe. Neil didn't come to Chloe's appointment as he said he was too busy, and going there on my own brought back a lot of memories.

I was told I would never be able to have kids and so finding out I was pregnant was the most amazing surprise in the whole world. My many, many prayers had been answered.

I remember going there with Neil for our first scan at 6 weeks and being so full of excitement and wonder that I was pregnant. I had so many dreams, but I was so scared something would go wrong, and seeing that tiny little bean's heart beating on the scanner was the most amazing feeling in the world.

I remember our 12 week scan, with Neil by my side. Chloe waved her arms about as if she was saying, 'hiya mommy and daddy'. Most people start to relax at their 12 week scan but I was still so scared something would go wrong. I just couldn't believe my dream of motherhood was going to come true.

I remember going there on my own for regular ante-natal check ups and sitting in the waiting room watching all the other women going through this journey with me. Some like me, were at the start of their journey, and some were nearly ready to have their baby. I remember at the start thinking that it seemed like a lifetime before I would hold my baby in my arms. I felt so jealous of those ladies ready to pop. I used to sit in the waiting room and allow myself to daydream about what it would be like to have my baby. To finally hold him/her(I didn't know the sex yet) in my arms. Oh the dreams I had about parenthood, us being a family.

I remember our 3D private scan where they told us we were having a little girl. I burst into tears. My dream came true. I couldn't believe God was so generous to give me, not only a baby, but a baby daughter. And I was so very scared that it would all be taken away from me. Surely in real life dreams don't come true.

I remember sitting in the waiting room near the end of my journey watching all the newly pregnant women coming in and knowing that they would be looking at me and thinking they wished they were at my stage, about to have their baby, and feeling like it would be forever before they finally got to that stage. And I remember wanting to say to them that I remembered the start of the journey too and that the time absolutely flew by.

I remember being at the hospital when I was 38 weeks pregnant and the doctor telling me that I was going to have my baby on the 15/12. I was so excited. So very ready to go on to this next stage of the journey of motherhood. I rushed out and phoned Neil (he was at work) and told him that Chloe was going to be here in a weeks time.

I remember coming to the hospital on the 14th December with all our baby stuff and as I walked in the doors being so very aware that when I walked out of them I would be holding my baby in my arms instead of in my belly. And I was so excited.

I remember pacing the corridors waiting to be giving the induction pessary.

I remember Neil giving me a kiss and promising to be back as soon as I was in labour.

I remember when labour started in earnest and I remember phoning Neil to tell him to get back asap.

I remember holding Chloe in my arms just moments after her birth - I had my girl.

I remember breastfeeding Chloe for the first time and it just being so normal.

I remember walking back through those doors thinking, 'Now my life is complete'.

And today I walked out those same doors and burst into tears. The crushing awareness that the last time I walked through them we were a family, now I was on my own with Chloe. I wouldn't change my journey for a second. I am so glad I have Chloe, she is the light of my life. But I am now so acutely aware that I have only myself to rely on.

It's funny how so much of my life and emotions are wrapped up in that hospital. One building. It feels like half my life is in those walls.

1 comment:

  1. i dont know whether to have a private scan or not. When you had one were the picture any clearer than the normal hospital ones. I have am a couple done at the hospital and you can not really see anything.